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[Feb. 4th, 2019|12:44 pm]
yea no good
something has to be done.
i need to rise above
i was rising above and forgetting to do so
i can't continue like this
i need to use this extra bout of help from ML to not get comfortable.

need to cut down on all unnecessary comforts
what are they?
1. going out to eat unless really necessary, like if we're far from home and very hungry
2. buying stuff thats not needed for house, for work or elijah
3. cute things

put up on sale or give away
- stroller
- baby carrier backpack
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ФАК2 [Dec. 17th, 2018|02:42 pm]
what is the problem?

i want to bring 5 machines back online - they were added to a chassis - they're old and out of warantee.
so i want to try install them
i can't because idrac is so old i can't connect to console
not that i need to have console to install.
i need them in xcat
i just want to get to the console
but i can't
it won't open
i think its because the bios and idrac verisons are so old
so i think i need to update
i can't seem to do it.
scott does it all the time
but i can't
and that kills me
why can't i
i get into this spiral of inadequacy.
and i become paralyzed
and then all that stuff about not getting fsa done
and insurance is on the line
and all sorts of things start bombarding me
my brain my thoughts are in pain
causing pain

"i taught them the onion method"

it was a dream i had last night

very profound
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strange sickness [Nov. 19th, 2018|04:27 pm]
is affecting my ability to speak & think...

first of all, my head feels heavy,
sinuses are often blocked
speech is strained
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оцепенение [Oct. 1st, 2018|11:13 am]
опять это оцепенение...

начинается .... с дыхания..

дыхание становится очень мелким и быстрым

всё превращается в побег от какой-то беды.

тот стимул который вызвал такое состояние начинает накапливать значимость, и с собой раздражение и в конце или срыв или организм просто отказывает и засыпает или просто наступает усталость.
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what [Apr. 4th, 2018|10:48 am]
im like waiting... for what?

surfing right wing sites
alex jobes
anything thats not requireing volume
as i am on a laptop and no headphones...
i don't want to use
it keeps me from getting too into it.

but perhaps i will...
what else is there to do now??
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struggling to keep my eyes open [Dec. 14th, 2017|01:58 pm]
well stop struggling.
let them stay open naturally
let yohr head rest naturally on your shoulders
smell all theer is sto mell
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...all to preserver fear [Jun. 27th, 2017|10:54 am]
you will fight
you will sneer
you will accuse
you will blame
you will steal
you will hide
--- all to preserve fear!

this happens on the macro and micro scale.
thoughts while working, while facing issues or problems
as well as major life decisions.

but of course it all starts with a thought.
a thought starts with a.... feeling?
a feeling starts with a stimulus

apply the right stimulus at the right time to create the desired change.
that's like relying on the butterfly effect to water your lawn.
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im like that guy on the couch [Feb. 23rd, 2017|02:45 pm]
just sleeps there
doesnt pay rent
nobody knows who he is
where he came from
and what hes doing.
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snapshot [Jan. 31st, 2017|12:15 pm]
listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAAXT_3AaOs

for concentration and block out taking.

when I hear N's voice i feel anxiety.
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i fucking hate sophos [Jun. 8th, 2015|04:12 pm]
im fucking boiling inside at their condescending attitude
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i know i should be working now but [Mar. 17th, 2014|10:17 am]
thoughts are just pouring out of me and need to be cleaned up before they cause any mischief.

a couple of days ago, never mind how many, i realized that what i seek is a universal type of knowledge that is applicable to all of my endeavors from programming, to human relations, to music, to martial arts, to society, finances, writing, driving, work, meditation, household........

then i realized that everyone *must* have that knowledge within them already because without that no form of knowledge is possible.
why is that?
answering this question is left as an exercise to "the reader".
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psychotic elation [May. 9th, 2012|05:03 pm]
all of a sudden I am elated
I am lifted from my misery
from my anxiety
and I am godlike again.

what brought it on?

what prevented me from leaving here?

thoughts dissipate

clouds reveal the blue sky

the need for control disappears

a sense of being able to do anything

the fading away of doubt

the arrival of certainty

excitement about the future

knowledge of the infinite

attainment of possibilities




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noli aquino.... [Apr. 4th, 2012|12:43 pm]
dear william u do not know my friend. she is lost, but not physically. i do not want to tell maricel all, and u will see y:

my friend Mabunga is confined in the VSMMC psychiatric ward. she is violent and suicidal. she lost her mind after she tried to look for u because she wants to find out what happened to her friend Heather who killed herself after her search for her gf Luna who disappeared without a trace.

Luna was searching for u. she wanted to become ur gf.

as u see, to save my friend i must find out what happened to her, and i need ur help, since ur in d center of it.
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