My relationship with Antonina
I tried to help her, but she was already broken when she came here, and she was finished off by her boyfriend Michael leaving her. She became hysterical and lost her last acquaintances. I was one left, but I had problems with my head and I was talking about death. And she already had obsessive thoughts non-stop. A few days before this New Year's Eve, Tonya ate non-lethal dose of paracetamol to get attention and called an ambulance herself, but the Dutch thought that putting her in a psychiatric hospital and giving her electroconvulsive treatment would be inhumane (although how else can you reset such thought cycles?). Afterwards, Tonya voice-called me and said that she would end her life on New Year’s Day, because she couldn’t continue to suffer like this. Perhaps if I had visited on New Year’s Eve, I could have supported her and delayed this moment, but I myself felt bad and I was with another ts who also needed support. I invited Tonya to my place for New Year’s Eve, but she wasn’t incapable to be at that moment.

Thinking now I could have helped her more.. first of all, I should be been more sensitive, moving discussion away from everything that could trigger her. I could have spent more time with her, so she would not have to go to say Disneyland all alone, especially since we planned to go together, but I ended up being too stiff with money. I could have been more pro-active and accompanied her to parties and just going out, but in the end Antonina was too shy to approach people and when people wanted meet here, she was either struggled to find words, or began telling about herself stuff nobody tells to strangers, which weirded people out with her ending up rejected and ghosted. I myself have heavy communication issues not dissimilar to her, but on a much lower magnitude. When I pointed to her these issues, she responded that she are unable and unwilling to hide that, and to pretend she is normal. She just wanted to be accepted as is, because wearing iron mask entire life is worse than death.

Otherwise Antonina was very pure person, who will accept you as you are without making any judgements or reading morals. She would always listen to your troubles and analyze telling truthfully, what can be done, without being overly optimistic. She was the best friend one could hope to have.