I love little girls.
I am a pedophile.
I am proud of who I am.
I hope that some day, I will be able to utter these words openly, audibly, and without fear of persecution and ostracism. I hope that someday you will accept me for what I am and cease to judge me.
If you are like most people, you have already condemned me. You have already decided that I am a pervert or a deviant. You already wish you knew who and where I am so that you could at the very least denounce me and publicly shame me; at worst cause me bodily harm or kill me.
If you are still reading this, I implore you to read on with an open mind, and listen to what I have to say. I urge you not to judge me until you have more facts about who and what I am.
Who I Am
Let me begin by telling you what I am not. I am not a child molester or a child rapist. I am not a sex-starved deviant and I am not a lonely man who is unable to have a ‘normal’ relationship with somebody my own age. I am not a criminal. I have never engaged in sexual relations with anybody who was under the legal age of consent in the state in which I was residing. I am not a predator. I do not lurk around schools trying to attract young girls with candy or other gifts.
If you ever met me, you would see how little I resemble the stereotype. I received an excellent private education. I am highly articulate and well-read. I have performed successfully in a number of demanding work situations. I am a loving father. The only thing that sets me apart from millions of others like me is that I have a sexual orientation that our present society regards as deviant and dangerous. Nevertheless, I am neither dangerous nor a deviant.
What I am is a pedophile. By definition, a pedophile is somebody who is sexually attracted to girls under the age of 14. In my case, I am primarily attracted to girls between the ages of six and twelve. However, I must stress that I am steadfastly opposed to any sexual activity that is involuntary or is obtained by any form of coercion or manipulation. I also do not advocate penetrative sexual intercourse with girls who have not yet reached puberty.
How I Love Little Girls
Please consider the first statement I made in this letter. I love little girls. I did not say that I lust after little girls, but that I love them. The love I feel towards little girls is not merely eros, or erotic love, but agape, a much deeper love based on mutual respect and admiration. This is not to say that I am not sexually aroused by young girls, because I am. It simply means that my feelings towards young girls are much deeper than just the desire to engage in intimate relations with them. If allowed to, I would openly forge deep friendships with them.
I can hear you asking yourself what a man in his 30s could possibly have to talk about with a 12-year old girl. You are probably thinking that I must be immature if I seek the companionship of a pubescent girl. However, you could not be further from the truth! I can talk with a young girl about so many things. It is true that a young girl does not have the intellectual sophistication that I do, nor does she have the experiences that I do, but she does have something that I do not have, or, more accurately, no longer have. She has her youth! She has the undistorted view of the world that we adults have lost. She can see things as they are, not as we have been conditioned to see them. Nothing can be more exciting than watching her look at the world about her with wonder and amazement. It is indeed precious to be able to capture at least a glimpse of the world she sees, to hear even just a little of her childlike wisdom. Indeed, she can teach me, and could teach many of us, if we would only listen! Our society, however, teaches us to be condescending towards her, and to belittle her thoughts rather than encouraging her to express herself and share her thoughts with us.
I have been very fortunate to have had the opportunity on a couple of beautiful occasions to forge deep platonic relationships with young girls. these were times of great happiness in my life, as we were both able to build a very special bond and appreciate the world from a different perspective. I would love to have had the opportunity to advance these relationships on a physical level, but the real possibility of persecution held us back. It is unfortunate that we were unable to be totally fulfilled in these relationships.
How Society Treats Youth
Sexual relations are a natural desire of people who have grown to love each other. Unfortunately, today's youth are given unhealthy signals about sex by society and the media. Indeed, our society is amazingly hypocritical. On the one hand, it idolizes and glorifies youth and sexuality and urges young girls to be ‘sexy’. If you do not believe this, just look at all the provocative fashions now marketed to youth and the television programs and films churned out by the studios. Look at advertising, which openly flaunts young girls as sex symbols. On the other hand, society urges youth to forego the realization of their sexuality.
The result of this approach has been tragic. Since young people are not allowed openly to express their budding sexuality, they are forced to explore it secretly. This causes date rape, teenage pregnancy and other epidemics that afflict modern youth. Rather than suppressing a natural physiological development, we should encourage young people to begin exploring their sexuality in a healthy environment. We should empower them to make responsible choices by giving them access to information, contraceptives and a positive atmosphere.
Society also disregards the individual development of young people, instead discriminating against them on the basis of their age. This broad-brush approach is unfair to those informed youth who are already able to understand accountability and equipped both mentally and emotionally to make decisions for themselves. It is hypocritical that society does not believe that young people are grown up enough to make decisions about their own bodies, yet increasingly holds them criminally culpable for their deeds.
Such laws are a relatively modern phenomenon. It was only around the turn of the 20th century that age of consent laws began to appear in industrialized nations. The historical record is vastly different, with puberty being widely accepted across many cultures as both the threshold of adult responsibility and sexual consent.
Why I Should Be Allowed to Love Little Girls
Perhaps you agree with my analysis of current society, but still do not agree that I should be allowed to pursue a sexual relationship with a pubescent girl. Why should a stigma be attached to an age differential? What difference does it really make if a young girl has sexual relations with someone her own age or someone much older than she is? We should be primarily concerned with whether the girl is a willing participant in the relationship, and if the relationship is edifying and beneficial.
I believe that I am in a much better position to provide her with such a relationship than many of her male peers, because of my age. Why? Primarily because I am emotionally and sexually already mature, whilst many of her peers are just beginning to explore their own sexuality, and tend to put a much higher importance on ‘doing it’ than creating an enduring friendship. Her male peers are actually more likely to coerce her into sexual activities than I am, because they have a much more urgent need to fulfill their sexual desires and lack patience. On the other hand, I want to create positive and beautiful experiences with her, to explore her mind and her heart, to be her friend as well as her lover.
Many people argue that young girls are not physically mature enough to engage in sexual relations. I agree that pre-pubescent girls have not yet reached the proper level of physical development to engage in penile intercourse without doing damage, and do not seek the privilege to do so. Intimate relations, however, comprise much more than penetration and I believe that people of all ages should have the right to express themselves sexually regardless of their age. While young girls may not be ready for penetration, they certainly can engage in and enjoy kissing, cuddling, snuggling, masturbation and oral sex without doing any harm to their bodies. The most important thing is to be sensitive to the girl’s level of emotional development and to only engage in activities appropriate for her level of development. I would take great joy in being the sensitive lover who was able to help the young girl explore her body and the joys of intimacy in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect.
Why I Love Little Girls
Maybe you are still wondering why I love little girls. Perhaps you think that it is the result of psychological deficiencies or a troubled childhood. You are wrong. Yes, I was molested as a small child, and the experience left me with a great deal of psychological trauma and guilt. Much of my guilt feelings were due to the fact that sex is a taboo topic, and I was taught as a child that sex was something that was ‘dirty’ or ‘nasty’. I actually remember enjoying some of the sexual experiences. My trauma was not a result of the sexual acts themselves, but of the coercive atmosphere and the physical beatings which regularly accompanied the sexual activities.
As a teen many years later, I had a very positive relationship with a woman who was much older than I was, who helped me to overcome many of the old guilt feelings I had about sex. Society would choose to brand this relationship too as abusive, but I do not. I knew what I was doing with her, and did so willingly and eagerly. For her part, the woman never coerced me or manipulated me in any way.
However, these experiences did not make me what I am today. Trying to link my love for young girls with my personal nightmare of molestation is completely misguided just as it is misguided to link it with my teenage experience with an older woman. For the first part, not all people who have been molested as children grow up to be childlovers. Conversely, not all childlovers have been molested as children. Secondly, what I desire is completely different from what the people who molested me desired. They selfishly took what was not theirs to take while giving nothing in return. I only want to receive what is freely given and to give as much as I can in return.
Actually, asking me why I love little girls is very similar to asking a gay man why he loves men or the heterosexual man why he prefers women. Amaros is an orientation, not a lifestyle. I did not decide one day that I prefer young girls. After years of denial, I had to face the reality that I prefer young girls.
How I Realised That I Am an Amarso
I do not remember any time that I was not attracted to young girls. Even before I myself reached puberty, I was strongly attracted to girls much younger than I was. I remember fantasizing about girls who were much younger than I was, and wishing I could have one of them as my ‘girlfriend’. As I grew older, and my friends began sneaking to school with Playboy or Hustler, I remember finding the women unattractive, with their large breasts and hairy pubes. Instead, I was aroused by pictures of girl gymnasts. I also spent hours poring over department store catalogs, looking at pictures of young girls in swimwear or underwear.
In high school, I was always most attracted to girls several years younger than I was. In university, although I was sexually active with girls in my own peer group, I was always still strongly attracted to young girls. I would take any opportunity to talk with young girls wherever I met them and continued to fantasize about having a relationship with them. Occasionally, I even managed to get a ‘date’ with a very young girl, but none of these incidents ever led to anything serious.
During this time, I never considered that I was doing anything out of the ordinary. I never made the connection that what I was doing was what society calls pedophilia. I was simply doing what came naturally to me. The realization did not come for several more years, when the age differential became much greater, and I realized that, although I was growing older, the age of the girls I was most attracted to remained constant.
How My Attraction Operates
I am not exclusively attracted to young girls, but young girls are the most attractive to me. I have a very healthy sex life with women of my own age. Indeed, I have been married and divorced, and have lived with several women. I have seen many times in print the fallacy that childlovers often have sexless marriages to hide their true orientation. In my case, this simply is not true. What is true is that I prefer pubescent girls to any other.
You probably do not understand what I mean when I talk about this attraction and about how little girls excite me. The attraction is not just mental, but physiological. Seeing a beautiful young girl is one of the most exhilarating experiences I can imagine. It gives me a euphoric rush similar to that experienced by many people who discover something that they cherish or desire. I can feel my heart begin to race, and occasionally I flush with excitement and feel my knees go weak. For me, a pretty little girl is the epitome of beauty and aesthetics, and my joy at finding her is the same as the joy of the diver who discovers a unique and beautiful pearl.
While I am very attracted to little girls, I am not attracted to all little girls, just as you are not attracted to all persons of your sexual preference group. You may have noticed at the beginning of this letter that I am a father. I have a daughter. While I think that my daughter is a very beautiful girl, I am no more attracted to her in a sexual sense than anybody else is attracted to his or her own child, sibling or parent. I love her very deeply, but only in the framework of a father-daughter relationship. I would never engage in incest, as I find it to be abhorrent. Society tends to believe that those with minority sexual orientations are rabid sex fiends, that a gay man wants to sleep with every man he encounters, or that the childlover wants to have sex with every child he encounters. Nevertheless, it is essential for society to realize that this is a fallacious and ignorant assumption.
Life As an Amarso
Indeed, this is a very lonely life. I respect and envy homosexuals, who have long fought for, and won, the freedom to openly express and practice their sexual orientation. I, however, as a childlover, must constantly be on guard that nobody discovers my orientation. I am unable to tell anybody about my condition, not even my closest friends. Amaros is currently so anathematized, that to admit publicly to it would turn all of my friends against me, what it would do to my professional career.
Because of society’s limitations on my behavior, I am unable to find fulfillment as a person. I must routinely deny myself things that most people take for granted or find substitutes that do not fully satisfy me. Yet in spite of the fact that I have conformed to society’s expectations, I am still considered a monster
and am reviled.
The paranoia about childlovers that has been propagated by the news media and religious groups in recent years has made it impossible for me to form even platonic relationships with young girls except under very restricted circumstances. Thus, I am denied not only sexual satisfaction, but I am denied the companionship of a group of people I admire and cherish.
I live in constant fear that somebody will notice the way that I look at a pretty little girl crossing my path or see that I am talking longer than most people would to the girl I have met in the store or realize that the reason I am flushed with excitement is the beautiful young girl I just saw come around the corner.
I am not a monster. I am a sensitive and civilized person, who has a different sexual orientation than the vast majority of the population. I am interested in beauty and aesthetics, and very deeply want to have the freedom to express my love and admiration for little girls in every way, emotionally, intellectually and sexually.
I sincerely hope that some day, society will cease to stigmatize me, and will begin to empower youth to make informed decisions about when and with whom to make friends and have sexual relations. Only modern civilization has denied youth the freedom to openly explore their sexuality, and only modern civilization has demonized those who would mentor, love and cherish these youth despite their differences in age.
It is time for this injustice to stop.
Confessions of an Amarso was written in March, 2002. When it was written, it was the entire content of this website, which was at that time eponymously named. This open letter was a cry in the dark, a plea for understanding by a person who felt isolated, alone and afraid. Since that time, much has changed. Many of the viewpoints expressed at that time have evolved and changed. This letter is included for historical reasons, as it was the catalyst that led to everything else you find here today.