Many amarsi who have recently come to terms with their sexual orientation. arrive at that point triumphant but confused. Whilst the self-acceptance has lifted a weight off of their shoulders, they find themselves wholly unaware of how to proceed with the childlove that they possess. In this short primer, I hope to provide a practical guide to living with this gift as well as point the way to resources that can make it easier to do so.
Find a Community
As you doubtless know, a pedophilic orientation can be one of the most difficult burdens one can bear. Now that you have come to the point of recognizing your orientation and accepting, it is important to realize that you are not alone in your struggle. There are many others like you who have been through the same process and are continuing to struggle like you are. You may have felt isolated for a long time, but now there is no longer any need to.
Fortuately, there are many online communities for amarsi available for you to meet with others like yourself. You can find a list of online communities on the Chats & Forums page of our directory. You will find that there is a wide array of resources for both girllovers and boylovers. Find a place where you feel comfortable and get involved!
As always, it is very important to engage in safe surfing practices. For starters, do not give out too much personal information about yourself on any of these forums. While many of the people you will meet there are childlovers like yourself, others may be law enforcement agents or anti-pedophile activists devoted to exposing the unwary. If you are unfamiliar with how to ensure your online security, see Dr. Who’s Security and Encryption FAQ for more information.
Now that you have reached the point of self-acceptance, you need to take the next step to self-respect. This is absolutely crucial to finding any level of contentment in your life especially since finding total fulfilment is not possible for many of us. If you have a healthy level of self-respect and self-esteem you are also much less likely to engage in self-destructive or anti-social behavior.
Much of learning to respect yourself is to consistently and consciously reject the stereotype you may have been taught to accept about amarsi. You know that much of these stereotypes is not true. You need to actively tell yourself that this is the case. One way to start is to repeat the following statements to yourself each day, or as often as you need to:
- Being attracted to children does not make me evil
- Being a childlover does not mean that I am a child molester
- Molesting children is not an inevitable result of my attraction to children
Much self-respect can also come from personal development. Managing your feelings, educating yourself and finding constructive ways to express yourself sexually will all lead to greater contentment. I will discuss some of these things next.
Manage your Depression
One of the most debilitating things that many of us face is depression. I have yet to meet a childlover who does not suffer at least occasionally from depression. This is not surprising. As childlovers, we are forced to suppress our sexuality, yet at the same time, we often do not have places to turn to for counsel or guidance about these feelings. Instead, for fear of exposure, we bottle these feelings up inside of us.
While talking to others in our communities certainly releases some of the pressure, it certainly does not eliminate the problem. The fact is that our depression stems from an inborn yearning that we are unable to fulfil. However, while depression may be a fact of life for many of us, it need not rule our lives or prevent us from gathering what enjoyment we may out of life.
A common pitfall that ensnares many of us is self-pity. It is easy during our dark periods to feel sorry for ourselves and we can convince ourselves without difficulty that our existence is useless. But we are only victims because we are allowing ourselves to be. Sure, the cards are often stacked against us, but many of us still lead interesting lives and achieve a certain degree of happiness.
In an ideal world, we would be able to turn to our friends or family for help during these times, or to seek counselling from a psychologist or a clergy member. Unfortunately, however, many of us are unable to do this because we fear the results of those close to us discovering our amaros and we are wary about confiding in counsellors who may judge us or report us. Therefore, we must learn to help ourselves.
Much of overcoming depression is learning to look at life with the correct perspective. Often we cannot see what is lovely in life because we are so fixated on that which is ugly. A good way to realign our perspective is to talk to others. We may not be able to approach our families or friends, but we do have communities of others who have experienced many of the same things. Therefore, rather than withdrawing when times are difficult, we need to seek out others who can listen to us and understand what we are experiencing.
As well as our online communities, there are some real-time chatrooms available for those of us who are very depressed or suicidal:
- Lifeline — Online support group open to boylovers and girllovers.
Channel your Sexuality
An even greater challenge than keeping our depression at bay is to find societally acceptable ways to express our sexuality, since most of us live in places where consent legislation makes pursuing physical intimacy with young people a criminal act. At the same time, however, our sexual energy cannot simply be turned off. Each of us is a sexual being and we need to find ways to channel that sexual energy for our own wellbeing.
While some of us are fortunate to have an attraction also to adults, many others have no such attraction and therefore do not have the possibility to have a relationship with an adult. For them, the only practical solutions are celibacy and/or autoeroticism. While being confined to these things is a bitter pill for many people, those of us who take this path must learn to make the best of it. Rather than dwelling on the fact that it is a sorry subsitute for intimacy with another person, we can take the opportunity to make excellent use of our imaginative faculties. Even if only for a brief period of time, we can at least approximate the joys of intimacy.
Of course, autoerotic activity cannot possibly emulate the wonderful feeling of holding another person closely. Many of us miss this feeling perhaps even more than the feeling of sexual activity itself. One alternative that many of us, even those who do not seek a sexual relationship with an adult, have is to find a good friend with whom we can snuggle and hold close. Sleeping together does not necessitate sex and can bring many benefits.
For those of use who can and wish to have relationships with adults, the options are of course much wider. Especially if our partner is aware of our pedophilic orientation, we can engage in role playing and fantasy while at the same time having an enjoyable intimate relationship. The important thing is to be fair, not only with ourselves, but with our partners. If we choose to be sexual with another person, we have a responsibility to appreciate them for who they are and not to treat them merely as a subsitute for what we cannot have.
Avoid Child Pornography
One of the substitutes to a fulfilling sex life that we should avoid is child pornography. Some childlovers may find advantages to viewing and collecting this kind of material, but the risk factors far outweigh any benefit that may be derived from this activity. Every time we venture into the Internet, we leave traces of our activities making it possible for law enforcement agencies to find out where we are and take action against us. Even if we have committed no crimes against children, being caught with child pornography effectively nullifies any good will we as individuals may have had beforehand.
On an ethical level, it is very difficult for us, as lovers of children, to justify possessing material that may have been produced without the consent of the children taking part. Even if the viewing of this does not explicitly cause any further damage to the children involved, on matter of principle it would be better not to support it. Of course, there may be cases where the children appear to be consenting to and enjoying the activity, but we still need to be concerned about the stigma in our society to this that would affect the young people if their performances were to become known in their communities.
We must also remember that even ‘tasteful’ or ‘artistic’ nudes are considered illegal in many jurisdictions and even though we may feel as though they are legal to possess, if we encounter a zealous prosecutor we may discover that the interpretation of the law does not fall in our favor. There are a lot of non-nude picture sites available for those who need to collect pictures that one can possess with a significantly reduced fear of being found afoul of the law. Yet even in this case, we must remain mindful that the discovery of this material in our possession will inevitably lead to questions of why we possess it.
Stay within the Law
Many who have experienced the joy of being in love with a young friend have also experienced the anguish of not being able to express their mutual love in an intimate fashion. Indeed, many have struggled to gracefully decline the advances of their young friends who were also eager to physically demonstrate their love. Even though we may feel that it is the ‘right thing’ to do, in our society it is also potentially one of the most dangerous things we can do. Therefore, it is very important for us to stay within the law of the lands in which we live, even if we think that the laws are ridiculous or unfair.
If we are caught in an intimate relationship with a young person, it is catastrophic for everybody involved. Not only will we face prosecution and a prison sentence, we will also be subjecting our young friends to immense grief and turmoil. Not only will they be separated from us and have to witness our demise at the hands of the judicial establishment, they are also likely to be subjected to ridicule, distrust, even hostility from their families and friends as well as a program of counseling or therapy designed to get them to admit that they were victimized by us and that they were not able to consent or enjoy the relationship.
There are so many other aspects of a loving relationship that we can share with our young friends without crossing the line into territory deemed by society to be illegal. When we concentrate on these facets of the relationship we can preserve the goodness of the relationship and not risk the tragic consequences of discovery. Of course, in the long term we look to working for the de-criminalization of consensual intimacy, but until that time it is much wiser for us to abide in accordance with the law.
Much of the intolerance and hatred towards us is the result of disinformation. Sensationalism by the media, stereotypes and misinterpreted data all portray us in a very unfavorable light. To combat this, it is simply not enough to say that we do not agree. We need also to be able to bring better and more factual information to bear to refute the falsehoods spread about us. Although the logical and factual arguments are only a single part of what is needed to advance our cause, they are a foundation that we cannot afford to overlook.
Therefore, it behooves each of us to take the time and effort to familiarize ourselves with the research available pertaining to amaros and related topics. If we set aside a bit of time each day or week to discover what factual information there is, we will be much more effective at not only understanding for ourselves what we are about, but also in discussing amaros intelligently and convincingly to others.
As well as learning about the research available that discusses these things, it is also useful to become familiar with the primary arguments used against us. Only when we can understand what arguments are being brought to bear against us can we find the best ways to combat this disinformation.
Come Out to Close Friends and Family
This step is very possibly the one that will alarm you the most on this list. Especially if you have just recently come to terms with your childlove, the idea of actually telling somebody else about it may seem too frightening and risky to undertake. At the same time, however, it is truly one of the most important things that we can do. Firstly, even though we have online communities where we can talk about our experiences, being able to talk to a person in the flesh about our childlove is an invaluable experience that can be much more effective at alleviating the pressure of holding our feelings inside than any online activity can.
We must remember that much of the animosity toward us is not cultivated on the basis of factual information. Rather it is perpetuated due to ignorance and the fear of the unknown. When the evil amarso of the imagination becomes an actual person that somebody knows, loves and respects, it challenges that person to re-evaluate the validity of the misconceptions they are used to clinging to. Many who have come out to their close friends have been pleasantly surprised by the degree of tolerance and understanding they have encountered.
At the same time, coming out to somebody is not a decision that should be taken lightly and much preparation is needed to ensure as best as possible that the event will go smoothly. It is important to choose very carefully who we decide to come out to. We also need to take care that we find a time when there are not other crises to be attended to. If our chosen audience has other personal issues or crises in their lives, it is better to hold off until the sailing is a bit smoother for them.
We also need to be careful to understand that by coming out to another person we are asking them to assume a certain amount of risk and we need to be respectful of their need for honesty and candor from us. We must be prepared to answer all of their questions — personal, hypothetical and academic — so that they can have the confidence in us that we are asking of them. They also need to have enough information so that if it is discovered that they know about our pedophilic orientation they can give correct and relevant answers to their interlocutors.
Coming out is such an awesome relief! Many people feel an immense burden being lifted from their shoulders each time the gather the courage to tell another person. Entering the light after such a long period in the shadows can be an immensely rewarding experience.
Take Positive Action
While we may often feel that our lives are dreary and burdensome, we need to learn to channel the love that we have for children —the love that has built up inside of us because we are often unable to bestow it— into positive action. Rather than simply speaking about an impossible love, we can do practical things in life that demonstrate our love. Even if we are not publicly proclaiming our pedosexuality, we can set an example of positive action that others can appreciate.
Since our love is primarily directed towards children, we can find ways to better the lives of children. Volunteering to work with children, sponsoring poor children in our own countries and in the impoverished nations of the world, tutoring and mentoring are all activities that we can undertake to make a difference in the lives of young people. Even if we are not able to work directly with children, there is much we can do to enhance their quality of life. Any activities that preserve our world and its environment for future generations is of benefit to children as are actities that strive to increase the quality and availability of health care, education and economic opportunity. Our talents are many; each of us can find a way to make a difference for children.
Take Political Action
Even though I am mentioning this last, this is ultimately one of the most important activities we as childlovers can engage in. Whilst on a personal level, self-acceptance is key, if we are ever to advance our cause on a greater scale, political action is necessary. Being convinced ourselves that we are right is simply not sufficient. We must take our message to the rest of society, demonstrate that we neither resemble nor deserve the negative stereotypes about us and demand changes that enable us to live fulfilled lives and increase the rights of young people.
Whilst we may not all be able to expose ourselves and speak with a loud voice about our situation, we can all take part in political activities that can advance causes that are important to us. Writing letters is one valuable method of expressing our opinion. Another excellent way is to research and find political candidates that, while they may not support the cause of amarsi per se at least support causes dear to us, such as causes that improve the plight of young people around the world and ensure a healthier environment for them in the future. We also need to fight against the forces of intolerance and campaign indefatigably against candidates that seek to impose a narrow moral agenda upon the entire populace or who support the suspension of civil and human rights in order to advance their way of thinking.
Amaros is a gift, though unfortunately, it is one that very few people understand. As childlovers, we have much love to give but often few ways to give it. Once we learn to accept ourselves respect ourselves, we can also find ways to share this love constructively with the rest of the world. We only need to remember that we are not alone and that we need not and must not allow ourselves to be isolated. If we work together, we can help each other grow stronger in our faith in ourselves, in our confidence in each other and in our conviction that we are right and that we will prevail.