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amused

Nelson at Trafalgar, 2007: Kiss me, Hardy!
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every
person to do his or her duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an
equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's
own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it
be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been
designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let
us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before
battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of the Government's policy on binge
drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better
get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot
speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the
greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with
all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest,
sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't
meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until
a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without
delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to
the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything
so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to
provide a barrier-free environment for the differently
abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one
eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I
didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the
disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is
under represented in the areas of visual impairment
and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt
spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health
and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too
much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the
cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at
anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're
afraid of being charged with murder if they actually
kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on
board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our
European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the
devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity
co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on
disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who
speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in
this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest;
it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever
happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And
there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case...............................
kiss me, Hardy."

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