It can be very difficult to discover that your partner, the person you have learned to love and trust, is a childlover. Even if you are confident that they have never engaged in illegal activity, you may have feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and confusion as to what their feelings mean and how it affects your relationship. Here is some practical advice on dealing with your partner and his attraction.
As in any relationship, honesty is very important if a relationship with a childlover is to have any chance of lasting. If you have discovered your partner’s attraction independently of that partner, you need to approach him with your discovery. This may be a very difficult task to complete. Firstly, you may fear that your partner will believe that you have been spying on him and therefore undermine whatever trust you have in your relationship. Secondly, your partner may very well have been hiding his attraction not only from you but from himself and therefore may be reluctant to admit his attraction to you. For this reason, it is important to approach him in as loving a fashion as possible. You need to tell him that you still love him and want to continue in your relationshp despite his attraction but that you need to find a way to proceed together.
Even if your partner has come out to you of his own accord, there are many issues that must be dealt with in a spirit of openness and honesty. Both of you need to discuss how openly and how often you wish to discuss his sexual orientation. You may be willing to discuss his thoughts and feelings but uninterested in having him point out to you every attractive child that he sees or just how sexy he thinks that child is. It is also important that he listen to your thoughts and feelings and that you are able to be open about how his sexual orientation is affecting you and your relationship with him. If you are having trouble, you need to be able to express this to him and expect that he will be just as accepting of you as you are of him.
Love and Respect
You have a right to be loved and respected for who you are regardless of what your partner’s sexual orientation may be. The fact that you have chosen to stay with your partner despite his orientation does not mean that you should accept any less from him than you would from any other partner. If your partner is unable to give you just as much love and respect for who you are as you could reasonably expect from another partner, then you should not stay with him. Yes, your partner does have sexual feelings and desires for children, but if he is unable to appreciate you, not only for your open-mindedness, tolerance and longsuffering, but for the human being that you are, then he is not worthy of your love.
At the same time, by your decision to remain with a childlover in a relationship, you have taken on a commitment to be understanding and supportive of his very difficult position in life. It is exceedingly difficult in our society to live with a sexual attraction that is so roundly rejected and the result of this rejection is a great deal of pain, depression and doubt. Your partner will often need you to help him through these difficult times. Your uncritical encouragement, compassion and kindness will go a long way towards overcoming much of the negative feedback he receives from society. But do make sure that he is in turn just as willing to help you through your difficult times. His path is difficult, but your path alongside him is no less difficult.
It is perfectly natural to feel a certain amount of jealousy when your partner looks longingly at an attractive child. Even if you know that nothing will ever come of his attraction to the child, you may feel inadequacy or even despair that you can never possibly measure up to the child. You have a right to be appreciated for your own beauty and qualities and seeing your partner ecstatic about the beauty or charms of a young child can leave your own feelings of self-worth undermined. Indeed, this may be one of the greatest challenges of living with a childlover and is one of the greatest reasons that open communication is of vital importance. You need to be able to discuss these feelings with your partner and your partner needs to be sensitive to them. You may need to remind your partner that you also need praise and appreciation and to know that he thinks that you are beautiful as well.
You may find that your jealousy is even more acute if your partner happens to have a special child in his life. It may be very difficult for you to see your partner with this child, to see his boundlesss joy and admiration for the child. You may feel left out and unwanted when you see his excitement and anticipation about an upcoming meeting with the child. You may wonder if he can ever love you that much or be so happy to see you as he is to see that child. If you are having these kinds of feelings, it is important to tell your partner about them. You should tell him that while you wish to share his joy at seeing his young friend, you deserve just as much love and appreciation as the child receives.
Regardless of your partner’s sexual orientation, you have a right to a fulfilling sex life. If your partner is unable or unwilling to give you sexual satisfaction, then you really should not remain with him. If you sacrifice your own sexual needs in order to stay in a relationship with a childlover, you are depriving yourself of a vital ingredient of your own happiness. You should never be made to feel that you are simply a substitute for something your partner cannot have. You have a right to be appreciated sexually for who you are —an adult— and to have a partner that is attentive to your sexual fulfillment.
Role-play is one thing that many amarsi and their partners engage in. It is one way for the childlover to act out his desires in a safe and legal fashion. It can also be a valuable tool in helping the non-childlover partner to understand pedophilic attraction. If you choose to engage in role-play, however, you should make sure that you maintain your own sexual identity rather than becoming simply the tool of your partner to fulfill his unattainable fantasies. You should never let yourself become a mere object for the gratification of your partner. You have a right to your own fantasies as well, and your partner should be just as willing to allow you to realize or act out these fantasies as you are to help him realize his.
Compassion, Not Pity
One of the most harmful traps that a childlover can fall into is that of self-pity. Some amarsi virtually wallow in it. When they do so, they lose all opportunity for self-development and enrichment because they are so consumed with the task of feeling sorry for themselves. As the partner of a childlover, you may find your partner trying to enlist your help for his pity party. But going along with this is beneficial neither to him nor to you. Whilst your partner certainly does need your compassion and understanding, one of the finest things you can do for him is to help him pull himself from the quagmire of self-pity that he may get himself into. Remind him of the many positive things that he has to be thankful for in his life. He has a loving and understanding partner, he has freedom, health and a specially-attenuated sense of aesthetics. Whilst these things perhaps do not fulfil his deepest desires, they are not to be trifled at; many people lack even these things.
Living with and loving a childlover is never going to be an easy task. If you choose to do so , you need to be careful to stand up for your own rights in the relationship. While your partner does need a lot of love and support in dealing with his sexual orientation, he needs to recognize your needs as well. If you both maintain committed to being open about your feelings and frustrations, finding solutions to them and seeking ways to make one another happy, then you have a chance of enjoying a very unique love relationship.