Children Fears & Children Fears (tm) Conference

Children Fears (tm) Conference

Article for Lemberg Children Center Newsletter, enot(c), Feb 2004

None of us, parents, could possibly escape coming in close contact with the subject. Fear of the dark and what comes with it (a monster in the dark, scary noises from the closet, something hiding behind this pile of laundry), fear of separation with the parent and fear of being abandoned by the parent, fear of parents separating, fear of dogs, fear of bath – these are only few of typical children fears. As a parent I had to deal with two very peculiar fears. One came from my older daughter when she was 10. She was scared to be denied inheritance and to be forced to leave the house in case of parents death. As I figured later that was coming from the movie she saw -“Sense and Sensibility” (based on Jane Austin’s novel). The other one was less funny. My almost 5-year old son spent 3 weeks traveling on a steamboat with his grandfather, his sister and cousin (both 11). First, the cousin played a bad joke on him - told him that his mother was dead. Imagine, I call their cell phone and hear: “Mom, are you alive?” –“Yea… Why do you ask? –“He told me you are not alive. I cried”. But that was not it. My son is pretty social and likes to talk with people. So he was asking people on the steamboat: “What is your name? Where do you live? Where are your Mom and Dad?” Many of the travelers were elderly people, so they couldn’t help it but respond with a sigh: “Oh, my Mom and Dad are dead”. This fact of life made my son think hard. He cried some when he came to realization that people are not immortal. He couldn’t stop asking Grandpa: “And you will die too? And me? And … my sister?!” And he

found a way out – he will die and he will be born again. We didn’t object. And then he asked: “And the house… Will it wait for me to come back? And my toys?” The issue still comes up once in a while. If some time ago reading a fairy tale that contained the word “death” (like in “And they lived happily ever after and died on the same day”) would immediately trigger a discussion, now it’s not such a hot topic. Age-appropriate fears come, make our children develop their imagination, emotions and coping skills – and then the children outgrow them. Children fears contribute to normal development. It’s important to distinguish normal children fears from something else, for example: - fears that impact the quality of life (e.g. fear of abduction by a stranger after similar story aired on the news – fear that could ruin one’s night sleep) - phobias, unusually persistent and uncommon fears (e.g. fear of germs to the extent one won’t let other children touch him) - well-founded fears (e.g. fear of strangers in case someone is actually following your child). Parents should use their judgment to decide whether those require medical attention or police should be involved. Lemberg CC is co-sponsoring Children Fears (tm) conference. Our principal speaker is Diane Levin, the author of "Teaching Children in Violent Times" and Professor of Education, Lesley University. We also have a few Psychoanalysts involved. The conference is held on April 3, 2004, from 9-12:30 in Schwartz Auditorium next to Lemberg CC.