nancygold's Journal

Where is my place? My plan for 2024
Looking back at Antonina Babkina's struggle... she was both very different and very similar to me. We share a mental condition (schizotypal disorder with borderline components). We are both hysterical, but she was more rational, and at the same time more naive and more emotional (I have slightly better emotional control and can pretend being normal for a limited time). We born damaged. We both were bullied and excluded from normal school. We are both into IT and programming. We both transitioned due to failing as men. We have similar desires, finding acceptance and love, yet Antonina, being rational, quickly analyzed that it is futile to try and nobody will accept her as she are, so she ceased searching for a soulmate.

My last date said she can't accept my hysterical character (see the chat below). I have issues handling even easier problems, I panic, which expresses in hysteria, and that pushes people away. For example, when I was 8 at the first grade, the elementary school teacher called me in front of a class to shame me, but I just broke, undressed and pissed myself as way to cope with the situation. That ended up in me being committed to a psychiatric institution, coupled with the expulsion from the school. Psychiatrists said I have pathological character traits. That is why I never finished a single class of school.

Here in Netherlands they suspended me at language school too, annoyed by my weirdness and saying that I must first get mental help before they restore me. But psychiatrists at Dimence refused the intake, claiming I'm totally okay, and that is just the transphobic people refusing to accept me, so I should finish my transitioning, learn Dutch, and get employment, then everything will be fine. Yet I have hard time communicating even with my lawyer, responsible for my legal gender change, since they continuously demand money (about 350 euro every 6 months), without moving my case anywhere. I don't have money, get frustrated and refuse to pay, which ultimately results into triggering collectors agencies and me failing to change the gender, so I will never finish transitioning, and just keep being an unemployable nuisance leeching welfare. Problems like that induce panic, which expresses in hysteria. And I can't really control it except getting succumbed in self-destructive thoughts and impulses.

I think Antonina was the single person, who truly accepted me, and I accepted her. There was nobody else I spent hours each day talking on the phone about different subjects and agreeing with about everything. Unfortunately there was a huge age gap between us to marry. I do try to find another trans woman of my age, but I get rejected all of the time. I think my "Antonina" ended her life 16 years ago, while I'm alive solely because my mental development was delayed by birth-time brain trauma. Or maybe that was

josephus, who I believe was absolutely wonderful person, whose death was the last push for me to start my transition. After all, I met both Antonina and Josephus thanks to LJR. Wish I could go to Hell to meet that person, but this life is the real hell, with many circles and only the wise people can see through the nonsense.

I began transitioning too late, so my best years are completely wasted. I'm almost 40 now. I haven't managed to restore my hair (moved from norwood 7 to norwood 3), so I'm still bald. I haven't saved enough money for FFS and can't travel to a clinic without a female id card. Antonina was young, had naturally feminine face and beautiful blonde hair. Yet she still failed. It seems there is no help coming, and there is no hope for me. After Antonina's demise I see as never before what will be the best solution for me. I have a bit stronger will than hers, but strong will brings only strong suffer. Antonina was very afraid, but she managed it. Life was never about being strong, but about being brave.

I was kinda close to it when I got heart issues, I had panic but at the same time this warm serene feeling that it will end soon and it will be good, but there was a sad drop that I haven't finished one thing. The only thing really holding me is my unfinished project. So my plan is to complete the project this year. Then I will be free. For that I need to concentrate solely on it. To avoid distractions, I will limit my communication with the outside world to the bare minimum and keep phone turned off most of the time.

Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Caught In Joy - Vermilion Dream